The Morning Our Son With Autism Finally Tied His Shoes (And Why It Took 3 Years of Trying)

August 6, 2025

It was 7:23 AM on a Thursday.

My 9-year-old son James sat on the bottom step, staring at his sneakers. The same sneakers we'd been practicing with for three years. The same laces that had caused 1,000+ meltdowns.

"Mom, can we just get Velcro?"

My heart broke a little more. Not because Velcro is bad. But because I knew what he was really saying: "I give up. I'll never be able to do this."

James has autism. He can tell you every dinosaur that lived in the Cretaceous period. He can build LEGO sets meant for teenagers. He reads at a 7th-grade level.

But shoelaces? They were his kryptonite.

If you're reading this with untied shoes scattered around your house, with a child who's brilliant but can't master this "simple" skill, with that familiar knot of worry in your stomach about middle school and independence and the future...

I see you. I've been you.

And I need to tell you what changed everything.

The Invisible Mountain of Shoe-Tying for Kids With Autism

Here's what neurotypical parents don't understand about shoe-tying and autism:

It's not one skill. It's about 47 skills having a party in your child's brain all at once.

The Sensory Nightmare:

Laces feel weird (too smooth, too rough, too skinny)
The pressure on fingers is uncomfortable
The shoe moves (vestibular input overload)
Having to look down changes visual perspective

The Motor Planning Chaos:

Which hand does what? When?
How tight is too tight?
Why does the loop disappear when I let go?
My fingers know what to do but won't do it

The Executive Function Overload:

Remember the sequence (26 steps!)
While managing sensory input
While controlling both hands differently
While dealing with frustration
While the clock ticks because we're late for school

The Social-Emotional Avalanche:

Everyone else can do this
I'm the only kid with Velcro
People think I'm a baby
I'm smart but I can't do this "easy" thing
Maybe I'm not actually smart

For James, it wasn't just about tying shoes. It was about proving to himself that autism didn't mean "can't."

The Graveyard of Failed Attempts

Over three years, we tried everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Year 1: The Traditional Routes

The Bunny Ears Method: Lasted 4 days. James couldn't visualize the "bunny" and got stuck on why we were talking about animals when trying to tie shoes.

The Loop-Swoop-Pull: Too many transitions between steps. Lost him at "swoop."

YouTube Videos: 47 different tutorials. James would watch, understand perfectly, then his hands wouldn't cooperate.

OT Sessions: $150/session, twice a week. Six months. Marginal progress. Insurance stopped covering it.

Year 2: The Desperate Measures

Backward Chaining: I'd do all but the last step. Worked until we tried adding step 2. Full meltdown.

The Two-Color Laces: Helped with left/right confusion but not with the actual tying.

Practice Boards: He mastered the board. Couldn't transfer to actual shoes. Different angle = different skill in his brain.

Social Stories: "James Ties His Shoes" complete with pictures. He memorized it. Still couldn't do it.

Year 3: The Accommodation Phase

Elastic Laces: Worked but he knew they were "fake tie shoes."

Velcro Everything: Limited shoe options. Playground comments. Self-esteem plummeting.

Just Doing It For Him: The worst option but sometimes necessary.

Each failure added another layer to his anxiety. Shoe-tying became The Thing He Couldn't Do. The visual proof that autism made him different.

The OT Who Changed Our Perspective

Enter Ms. Sarah, a new occupational therapist who specialized in autism and motor planning. First session, she watched James try to tie for exactly 30 seconds before stopping him.

"I see the problem," she said. "It's not him. It's the laces."

She explained: Kids with autism often have lower muscle tone and motor planning challenges. Regular laces are like trying to tie water—they won't hold still, they flop, they change position. His brain was spending 90% of its energy just trying to stabilize the laces, leaving only 10% for learning the actual skill.

"Imagine trying to thread a needle during an earthquake," she said. "That's what shoe-tying feels like for James."

She mentioned something called Training Ties—a tool designed by a special education teacher who'd worked with kids with autism for 20 years.

"It's not a crutch," she explained. "It's scaffolding. Like training wheels that actually teach balance instead of avoiding it."

The Tool That Understood Autism

When the Training Ties arrived, James was skeptical. Another thing to fail at.

But this was different.

What Made It Work for His Autistic Brain:

1. Predictability: The "checkpoint" system held the laces in place. No more disappearing loops. No more starting over. His autistic brain LOVED the consistency.

2. Reduced Sensory Load: He didn't have to death-grip the laces. Less sensory input = more brain space for learning.

3. Clear Visual Structure: Color-coded sections showed exactly where to put each lace. No abstract thinking required.

4. Error Without Catastrophe: Mistake? The previous steps stayed intact. He could try again without the world ending.

5. Systematic Progression: Same tool, same method, decreasing support. Perfect for his need for routine.

The first day, he got further than he'd ever gotten before. No meltdown. Just... progress.

Day 7: The Breakthrough

I'll never forget it. Day 7 of using Training Ties.

James had been practicing for about 10 minutes each morning. No pressure. No "you have to get it today." Just practice.

That morning, he tied the first shoe with the tool's help. Then looked at the second shoe.

"Mom, I want to try without it."

My heart stopped. This was usually when frustration would hit.

He made the first loop. It stayed. He wrapped the second lace. It held. He pushed through. It worked. He pulled tight.

The shoe was tied.

"I DID IT! MOM, I DID IT! MY BRAIN DID IT!"

He tied it four more times just to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

Then he ran upstairs to wake up his dad. "DAD! I CAN TIE SHOES! I'M NOT BROKEN!"

That last sentence destroyed me. He'd been carrying that weight for three years.

What This Meant Beyond Shoelaces

The shoe-tying victory created a ripple effect we didn't expect:

Confidence Explosion:

Started attempting other "impossible" tasks
Learned to ride a bike (after 2 years of refusing to try)
Joined robotics club ("If I can tie shoes, I can build robots")

Fine Motor Improvements:

Handwriting became legible
Started using regular scissors confidently
Could button his own shirts

Emotional Regulation:

Fewer meltdowns about "can't do" tasks
Started saying "I need help with steps" instead of "I can't"
Developed frustration tolerance

Social Changes:

Wore "cool" shoes to school
Taught another kid with autism to tie (using Training Ties)
Stopped hiding his feet during circle time

The Biggest Change: He stopped seeing autism as a wall and started seeing it as a different path to the same destination.

The Science Behind Why It Worked

After our success, I dove deep into research. Here's what I learned:

Motor Planning and Autism: Kids with autism often have dyspraxia (motor planning difficulties). They can SEE what needs to happen but can't make their body do it. Training Ties reduces the motor planning load by stabilizing variables.

Sensory Processing: Many autistic kids have sensory processing differences. The constant grip pressure required for traditional shoe-tying can be overwhelming. The tool reduces this sensory demand.

Executive Function: Autism affects executive function—the brain's ability to organize, sequence, and execute multi-step tasks. By holding completed steps in place, Training Ties reduces executive function demands.

Visual Learning: 80% of kids with autism are visual learners. The color-coding and clear visual structure align with their learning style.

Anxiety and Performance: Anxiety impairs motor skills. By removing the "all or nothing" pressure, the tool reduces anxiety, which improves motor performance.

Real Autism Families Speak

After sharing our story in autism parent groups, the messages poured in:

Maria, mom to 8-year-old with ASD: "Three OTs couldn't teach him. Training Ties did it in 5 days. He said 'My hands finally understand my brain.'"

David, dad to twin boys with autism: "Both boys learned within two weeks of each other. First time they've ever achieved a milestone together. We all cried."

Jennifer, autism specialist teacher: "I've used Training Ties with 12 students on the spectrum. 11 succeeded. The 12th is still working but making progress. Game-changer."

Amanda, mom to daughter with autism and ADHD: "She hyperfocused on it for 2 hours straight, then mastered it. Now she wants to teach everyone. This tool speaks autism's language."

Your Autism Shoe-Tying Roadmap

If you're ready to try again (or for the first time), here's what worked for us:

Pre-Training Ties Preparation:

Week 1: Reduce Pressure

Remove all shoe-tying expectations
Say "We're going to try something new when it arrives"
Let them pick special practice shoes (investment = interest)

Week 2: Build Component Skills

Practice making loops with pipe cleaners
Play with ribbon (less frustrating than laces)
Do finger exercises (squeeze stress balls, theraputty)

Training Ties Implementation:

The First Day:

Morning is best (not tired)
After preferred activity (good mood)
5 minutes max
End on ANY success, even just holding the laces

The Routine (This Is KEY for Autism):

Same time each day
Same location
Same shoes
Same verbal cues
Same celebration for effort (not just success)

The Progression:

Days 1-3: Just familiarize, no pressure
Days 4-7: Focus on one shoe
Week 2: Both shoes with tool
Week 3: Try without tool when THEY want to

Troubleshooting Common Autism-Specific Challenges:

"Won't even try"

Start with watching you use it
Let them be the "teacher" to stuffed animal
Connect to special interest ("Dinosaurs tied their shoes like this...")

"Meltdown at mistakes"

Celebrate the attempt, not outcome
"Your brain is building new paths!"
Take breaks before frustration peak

"Rigid about method"

That's okay! Consistency is comfortable
Document their exact method
Don't change ANYTHING once they start succeeding

"Sensory refusal"

Try different lace textures
Practice right after sensory activity they enjoy
Weighted lap pad during practice

Beyond Shoe-Tying: What This Means for Your Child

Here's what I wish someone had told me three years ago:

This isn't really about shoes.

It's about showing your autistic child that their brain isn't broken—it just needs different tools.

It's about proving that "can't yet" isn't "can't ever."

It's about finding the right support that honors their neurology instead of fighting it.

When James learned to tie his shoes, he learned something bigger: Autism might mean doing things differently, but it doesn't mean doing less.

A Message to Exhausted Autism Parents

If you're reading this at 2 AM, researching one more solution, feeling like you're failing because your brilliant child can't do this "simple" thing...

Stop.

Breathe.

You're not failing. The standard methods are failing your child.

Your child's brain is magnificent. It just processes differently. And that's not a flaw to fix—it's a difference to accommodate.

Maybe Training Ties will be your solution. Maybe it won't. But please hear this:

Your child will find their way. With the right supports, at the right time, in the right way for THEIR brain.

And when they do—when you see that flash of pride in their eyes—you'll understand that the wait was worth it.

Because they didn't just learn to tie shoes.

They learned to trust themselves.

The Moment That Made It All Worth It

Six months after James learned to tie his shoes, we were at the playground. A younger boy with autism was melting down about his untied shoes. His mom looked exhausted.

James walked over, sat down next to the boy, and said:

"Hey, I have autism too. Shoes are hard. Want to see my trick?"

He pulled out the Training Ties I now keep in my bag and showed the boy how it worked.

"See? The laces stay where you put them. Your brain can do this. My brain learned, and mine is autistic like yours."

Twenty minutes later, that boy tied his first shoe.

His mom cried. I cried. James beamed.

"Mom," he said on the way home, "I think I want to be a helper teacher like Ms. Sarah. For kids whose brains are like mine."

That's when I knew: We hadn't just taught him to tie shoes.

We'd taught him that different doesn't mean less than.

It just means different.

And different can be beautiful.

Ready to try a different approach?

Training Ties was designed by a special education teacher who spent 20 years working with kids with autism. It understands the unique challenges our kids face.

It's not magic. It's just the right tool for different brains.

Learn more about Training Ties →

Because every child deserves to feel the pride of "I did it myself!"—especially our beautifully different ones.

From one autism parent to another: You're doing better than you think. Your child is lucky to have you fighting for them. And yes, they WILL tie their shoes. Maybe just not the way the books say they should.

💙 #ActuallyAutistic #AutismParenting #DifferentNotLess

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